Roommate Agreement & Communication
Roommate Communication
The most important aspect of any relationship, and especially for living with someone, is communication. It is important to begin your experience as roommates with a strong foundation of open communication. This will minimize initial problems while serving as a useful method for handling any issues that may arise. Knowledge of these fundamental aspects of communication can smooth the way to a happy and healthy living situation.
Communication includes both verbal and nonverbal messages.
The different parts of the message you convey have different levels of effectiveness in influencing the lister:
- Words Used: 7%
- Tone of Voice: 33%
- Nonverbal Cues: 55%
Although it's wise to choose your words carefully, how you say them is even more important.
Not only will you want to make your feelings known to your roommate, but being an active lister will be key to creating a healthy and open atmosphere for all parties involved.
Some Keys:
- Understand your own communication style so that you can adapt to the styles of your roommate.
- Don’t let yourself drift off while listening: you expect your roommate to hear and respect what you have to say, so try to extend the same kindness to them.
- Nonverbal communication is just as important when you are an active listener as when you are speaking. Your roommate will notice nonverbal cues of whether or not you are interested in the conversation and paying attention.
- Negative cues may discourage your roommate and block further attempts at communicating.
- Give feedback to show that you have been listening actively, but wait until your roommate has finished conveying his/her message.
- If your roommate asks you to just listen and is not looking for a response, do your best to respect those wishes.
As a good communicator you should be direct, courteous and calm. Spare others your unsolicited advice and acknowledge that what works for you may not work for others. Be sure to state your main points first and then offer details if necessary. Listen for hidden feelings and take note of nonverbal cues from the other person.
Putting it into Practice
You can practice active listening and get to know you roommate at the same time. Sit down together and tell each other a story about yourself. These steps will give you an idea of your listening style as well as showing what improvements could be made.
- Listen closely to the story without interrupting.
- Once your roommate is finished, repeat the story back to him/her. This doesn’t have to be word for word but should include the main points of the story.
- Have your roommate confirm if your rendition was accurate.
- Ask expansive questions to learn more details.
Experiencing Roommate Conflict?
Don’t worry if you find yourself in conflict with your roommate(s). Remember that disagreements are inevitable, especially when people live together and interact everyday. Don’t be afraid to talk with your roommate(s) about what is bothering you. By working through the situation in a productive way, you will be able to find a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
No matter how hard we try, communication sometimes breaks down. Here are some clues that you have a breakdown of communication on your hands:
- Your roommates are not speaking
- They leave when you enter
- They complain to friends about you
- They get angry over trivial matters
- They won’t talk to you
These are just a few of the signs that trouble is brewing. Take the initiative by talking with your roommate(s) to try and understand what the problem may be. It could just be a small issue that could easily be resolved, or it could be a larger matter that everyone must work together to solve.
Sometimes there are roommate combos that just don't work out...
Even close friends find that they cannot live together. It is better to save a friendship than force a living arrangement. If you and your roommates have made an honest but unsuccessful effort, you may decide that you cannot live together. It may be better to separate than to continue living in an uncomfortable situation. An uncomfortable living situation can lead to a decrease in school attendance, homework completion, and health. Before coming to a final conclusion, consider consulting an outside source, such as your RA or RD [if you're in Biola housing], a trusted friend, professor, or other responsible person who can assist you as you work through difficulties and transitions.
Roommate Communication: Beyond Basics
When we are in a conflict with another, it is an emotionally charged situation. Very few of us are lucky enough to have someone to teach us how to communicate our needs effectively in a way that is easy for others to hear. Yet, conflict is an inevitable feature in most of our relationships. By learning to communicate clearly, we can express our needs and feelings in a way that helps resolve the situation instead of making it worse. When you are in conflict with your roommate, think of it as an opportunity to practice effective communication. Here are some helpful tools to assist you with the gift of clear expression.
Observations vs. Evaluations
We are always going to have a predisposition of seeing things from our particular worldview and have our own way of organizing our experiences or making meaning of our external environment. It’s sort of like the quote that says, “We tend to see the world as we are, not as it is.”
Observations are observable facts whereas evaluations are how you feel about those facts. Words such as always, never, ever, and whenever are sometimes used to express an evaluation of a situation. For example: “You never listen to me.” Carefully distinguishing the observable facts and how you feel about those facts will help you more clearly communicate your feelings and needs.
Getting the Message Across
To make your messages more clear, use "I" language instead of "you" language. "I" language can help in the following ways:
- Takes blame out of the statement and will help prevent the receiver from becoming defensive.
- Allows the sender to express their feelings and thoughts.
- Allows the sender to get to the root of the problem for them.
- Are more thoughtful statements and helps sender to weigh their re-marks more cautiously.
| When You'd Say: | Try This Instead: |
|---|---|
| "I can't..." | "I can..." |
| "You are wrong..." | "My understanding is..." |
| "I don't..." | "I do..." |
| "You have to..." | "It would help if you..." |
| "You don't understand..." | "Let me clarify..." |
| "I don't know..." | "I'll find out..." |
| "I have no idea..." | "I know who can help..." |
| "I never..." | "Today..." |
Beware of Demands
Have you ever felt like you would be blamed or punished if you did not do what was being asked of you? If so, then you know how it feels to have someone demand something from you. Demands also tend to come with criticisms and judgment. You can steer clear of making this mistake yourself by empathizing when your request is turned down. When demanding language is used, people will either submit or rebel. Either way, the chance of working together to meet everyone’s needs is diminished.
| People Shut Down When They Hear Things Like: | Find Out What They Need by Asking: |
|---|---|
| "You should know better." | "Can you tell me about..." |
| "The house is supposed to be clean at all times." | "What do you think about..." |
| "I deserve to have my friends over any time I want." | "What is your opinion on..." |
| "I have the right to do..." | "What do you know about..." |
Identify Your Needs
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language expresses the desired outcome. The clearer you communicate about what you want back, the more likely it is that you’ll be successful. Be careful though, that you are making a request and not a demand. Here are some ways to begin:
- "Would you be willing..."
- "Would you consider…"
- "I would appreciate it if you..."
| Words that are interpretations of others: | Words that express feelings when we're upset: | Words that express feelings when we're content: |
|---|---|---|
| abandoned | aggravated | alive |
| attacked | angry | amused |
| betrayed | annoyed | appreciative |
| cheated | concerned | carefree |
| ignored | confused | comfortable |
| manipulated | disappointed | encouraged |
| misunderstood | discouraged | ecstatic |
| neglected | frustrated | glad |
| pressured | hesitant | inspired |
| put down | hurt | interested |
| rejected | irritated | pleased |
| taken for granted | puzzled | relieved |
| unappreciated | resentful | thrilled |
| unsupported | sad | trusting |
| used | scared | wonderful |
Putting it All Together
To make your needs, feelings, and requests more clear, try using this formula:
I feel
- specific feeling
when
- specific behavior--don't use "you." Focus on the specific behavior.
because
- the effect of the behavior or why it makes you feel that way
Instead of:
"You never ask for my opinion and I'm really sick of it."
Try:
"I feel hurt when I'm not asked for my opinion because I believe I have a lot of good ideas and I want to contribute to this group."