Navigating Grief and Loss

Preparing for a student’s academic future is bittersweet for both families and students, invoking feelings of excitement as well as despair. Erin Sherard demonstrates how the process of launching your student into adulthood and independence correlates with the five stages associated with the Kubler Ross Stages of Grief and Loss.

Stages of Grief and Loss

by Erin Sherard

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28

Have you ever returned from the store and realized that your chili beans were not in the bag? You hunt through your car in denial that the can didn’t make it. When it doesn’t turn up, you find yourself getting angry as you pilfer through the pantry trying to find a substitute. When you realize that there isn’t one item that can replace the chili beans, you feel defeated and pull out a box of mac and cheese. The ground beef intended for the chili gets placed in the fridge. You ask, “what does ruined dinner plans have to do with parenting?”

In this scenario, this parent went through the Kubler Ross Stages of Grief and Loss. Although this process happened in 20 minutes over chili beans, aren’t there situations in life that take 6 months to 10 years to make it through all five stages? We as parents are in a similar process as we send our children out into the world. Understanding the grief process can help us identify if we or those we care for are in the midst of these stages and know how to wisely respond.

To develop finely tuned grief detectors, we need to understand the five stages and how a person behaves as they work through it.

Denial - Your brain sets itself to preservation mode under the weight of what has happened. Denial helps us pace our feelings of grief and there is grace in God’s way of only giving us what we can handle.
Anger - As you begin to heal, feelings you have been denying begin to surface. Do not fear anger and give yourself permission to feel it in a healthy way. Your anger might be directed at a friend, spouse, yourself, or even God. Anger provides temporary structure during the grief process.
Bargaining - Have you ever pleaded with God that if He just fixes this one thing, you will never make another mistake related to the loss again? We find ourselves hoping that life would return to what it once was. We play the “what if” or “had I only” game as guilt is bargaining’s companion.
Depression - Our emotions move into the present and we begin to feel our pain on a deeper level. This stage is not a sign of mental illness, rather an appropriate response to loss. As grief settles into your soul, lean into the supernatural comfort that only your Heavenly Father can provide.
Acceptance - Acceptance does not mean that you fully accept what has happened. It is about accepting the reality of our new norm and recognizing that it is likely a permanent one. As we begin having more good days than bad ones, there can be guilt associated with finding joy in your life again. Your path was paved before your conception and in the midst of your grief, God is moving. He is providing you with an opportunity to listen, move, change, grow, and align closer to His purposes.

Amidst the excitement of college applications and decisions around what to major in, the stages of grief are present in both parents and young adults. Familiarizing yourself with these stages and behaviors will help you refrain from feeling crazy. Showing empathy and unconditional love as you allow your young adult to prove to themselves that they can be independent will up the odds that you will both transition to acceptance sooner.